I don’t know where to start or what is going to come of this journey, but all I do know if I can’t afford to fail. Not mentally, emotionally or financially. I’ve made this blog to type when I want to drink. To work through feelings or emotions or urges, as ridiculous as they may be, instead of my old habit of pouring a rum and diet in attempts to suffocate whatever it is I’m feeling. Here goes nothing..
I attempted to start a new blog with my email address, wordpress let me know that I already have an account with that e-mail. I put my e-mail in my username, and ‘forgot password’. E-mail received. New password set. Login.
“Welcome tallblondeanddrunk! ” wordpress greets me.
Ugh. The irony. The name of what was going to be my future book of allll the stories I could remember under the influence. All the arrests, confusion, disappearing, fights, car crashes.. and so much more. Immediate emotion. What was once my pride, my bragging ground, my basis for most of my conversations, my jokes, has now become my biggest struggle. I am a 27 year-old alcoholic.
And I HATE that name. I’ve still never said those words out loud. I feel there is some negative connotation with that.. HA! I can’t help but laugh at myself. DUH. Of course there is. Alcoholic: Person who cannot function without alcohol. The person that loses their job because they can’t not drink throughout the day, everyday. The one who loses their job because they are drunk on the job. Drinking on the job. The homeless.. who drank themselves homeless and single. These are all the things I thought an alcoholic was. That I wanted to BELIEVE alcoholics were. Because I am not quite there. Yet.
But here is where I am at.. and probably have been for many years. I don’t drink everyday. Anymore. College is over and so went a lot of freedom. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t find the time to drink. Even if that time meant working hours. Not that I drank instead of going to work, but most times, I’d drink too much the night before, that the hangover seemed worse than going to work and I’d call in. “I’m sick again”, I tell my boss. I used to always have a guilty conscious about lying, but now, I realize I wasn’t lying. I AM sick. I drink TOO much. I CANT stop. And while I haven’t lost my job yet, I see a closing future if I don’t stop this now. As far as the homeless and the single, I have a home thanks to a very loving boyfriend. A boyfriend who has gone through too much, in too short of a time with me. One that’s seen me in low of low, some might even say closer to death than I should be, and yet, he’s here. He’s stuck around. But the trials and tribulations wear on him over time, and at one point I moved out for about six weeks to focus on me. By his words, “just get better”. I’ve come so close to losing him too many times, and all this time I’ve blamed it on him, but recently, it’s no clearer than air, that it’s been me.
I know people say “don’t quit something for a person”. So while the biggest motivation to quit drinking IS him, that’s because it’s for me. It’s because I WANT someone like him to share my life with. I WANT someone as intelligent and thoughtful and responsible and loving as him in MY life. FOR ME. And one day, I want to feel like I DESERVE that. Right now, I think it’s been a mix of luck and godly intervention that has kept him around. Maybe he’s insane. For what he’s gone through, and still stuck around, we can’t rule that out just yet. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s my person God made for me, and the backbone and strength I needed to stop drinking.
As I write that, I immediately hate myself. I wish I had been quitting last year. Or the year before. Or never started drinking. Gosh. Where my life would be if I never drank? Immediate regret, disappointment, guilt, self-loathing. Such common feelings of an alcoholic. Well, of this alcoholic. And last, FEAR. Will I fail? Yet again? This isn’t my first time “i’m quitting”.. but I PRAY TO GOD this is my last. What kind of life is it to live feeling all that? Yuck. I want to feel awake. Alive. Active. I want to experience LIFE! I want to be respected at my job and use those vacation days to travel, not lay in bed all day because I can’t move without throwing up. THAT is what I want.
It seems so, so simple. Just. Don’t. Drink. Look at what you’ve written! Isn’t that reason enough to just NOT pour a drink? That’s what it seems like. It’s not even like I have to put effort in. You don’t have to do something, you just have to NOT do something. Simple, right? I’d love to think I’m a strong person, but I have struggled. What about when those days are bad? When your heart hurts? When you’re around other people drinking and they are having soo much fun? Aww.. the fun. Everyone always has so much fun with alcohol! All these fun stories and jokes they told and moves on the dance floor they weren’t afraid to bust out! That’s what my brain thinks I can do. I can just have a few to get a buzz. I can control myself. I can not be emotional. Yet more times than not, I’m waking up with regret of what I said, what I did, what stupid fight I picked, what incoherent texts I sent, and even worse.. when I don’t remember anything. Not how I got home. Not the last few hours of my night. Too many times I have to look at my phone to see the last text/call made, and then back track to the last thing I remember. Most recently, cindo de mayo, six hours are missing from my life. Yep. Roughly 8pm was my last, and vague, memory, and last phone call? 2:06am. Just effing awesome.
So, my plan is to occupy myself with writing, my feelings as they come and go to occupy myself when I feel like drinking. When I am bored. Which has most recently been my issue. So far, seems this has occupied me a good hour. Success!
And in four more hours, I will have made it to day 7. Stupid and insignificant. I’ve gone more than a week without drinking before, but I know I need to get to 7 before I can get to day 30 to get to year one.. and so on. So I will congratulate myself today, as I am one step closer to the life I want, and one day further away from alcohol.
Cheers to tomorrow!
Err.. I guess we should start changing that. Hmm..
Smiles to tomorrow!?
I’ll have to work on an awesome exit phrase. But, for now, I’ll just work on staying sober. 🙂